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Your most marked characteristic?
My uncanny ability to guess the colour of a person's underwear just by reaching in and touching it.
The quality you most like in a man?
The colour of his underwear. Here, let me show you...
The quality you most like in a woman?
Cash.
What do you most value in your friends?
A lack of children and pets.
What is your principle defect?
My gas tank will explode on contact if I'm rear-ended. It should be recalled to the factory, really.
What is your favourite occupation?
I'd have to say Occupied France was probably the best. Don't you think? They hardly trashed the city at all.
What is your dream of happiness?
Oh, it's no dream. It's called the men's locker room at the YMCA.
What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
To crush a kitten by mistake. I'd feel just awful, and really-that's as bad as it gets for the kitten.
What would you like to be?
I would like to be a giant, marshmallow, castle.
In what country would you like to live?
New York City suits me just fine. Japan and Italy are tied for second, if I could speak the languages.
What is your favourite colour?
Vodka.
What is your favourite flower?
Daisy chain.
What is your favourite bird?
The seared foie grois at the Four Seasons. Though I can't really vouch for the rest of the duck.
Who are your favourite prose writers?
Living: Lorrie Moore, Alice Munroe, John Updike. Dead: EM Forster, Davies, Nabokov, Salinger (Alright, he's not dead. He just looks like it.).
Who are your favourite poets?
Just the one I wake up next to every day - JD McClatchy.
Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Batman. Followed closely by Jesus Christ.
Who are your favourite heroines of fiction?
The Vivian Girls.
Who are your favourite composers?
Debussy, Cole Porter, Ravel, Wagner, New Order.
Who are your favourite painters?
Barry and Petey who work in my building. They just painted my bathroom and did an amazing job. Boy, it really needed it, too.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Batman. Followed closely by Jesus Christ.
What is it you most dislike?
About what? Don't get me started.
What natural gift would you most like to possess?
The ability to squirt hot blood from my eyes. For the children.
How would you like to die?
Who LIKES to die?
What is your present state of mind?
Fuzzy.
To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Booze, sex, boozy sex, sexy booze, inability to speak French.
What is your motto?
Always have a motto!
